4thWaveNow

butiwasntaboy:

I always felt like a boy. Take one look at the pictures of me in toddler clothes, and you will see that even though most of the mothers were clothing their children in frilly dresses and skirts, I wanted to be frocked in a train conductor’s outfit handed down from my cousin. Although I had very loving and accepting parents, gender stereotypes were still quite prevalent when I was a kid. Even as a young child, I knew that I would not be accepted by society at large unless my body changed. As an elementary school child, I had zero female friends, asked for my hair to be cut very short, and carried myself as a boy. I strongly recall a period of time when I was about six or seven years old in which I prayed to God every night (my parents were religious and I was raised in church) asking that when I woke up in the morning I could have a penis. Every morning I would wake up and check to see if it was there. Eventually, I put things in my pants and walked around the house pretending that I have the genitalia of a boy.

But I wasn’t a boy. I never will be.

My reason for starting this blog is to share my own personal experience, and to hopefully spread some awareness that there are many of us who feel gender-neutral, but that this is not a negative experience, or worthy of self-mutilation and hatred. The alarming rate at which people, especially young people, have been forced by a conservative stereotypical society to change their bodies just to please the onlooker is quite disturbing to me. Had I been born 20 years later then when I was, I would be writing this blog as a transitioned man, rather than an at-peace, empowered woman. I feel so lucky that this current wave of gender dysphoria and pressure towards transitioning was not part of my childhood, because there is no way I would be who I am today if I had made those changes to myself. I hope that this blog provides an opportunity to share and question the current paradigm, and that my experience gives some insight to other women who may have felt the same way that I did.

Remember that who you are is enough. What people see is completely disconnected to the person that you are inside, and no matter what you do to your body, that person will remain, because it is you. Whether or not you like what you see when you look in the mirror, focusing on that will only inhibit your development as a true soul, because who we ultimately fall in love with is much more contingent on their essence as a person than their physical appearance. Who cares what the person in the mall thinks about the way you look? Do they know you? Do you want them to? And, most importantly, do you want to know them?

I felt like a boy for most of my young life. Sometimes I still do. However, I have come to realize as an adult that this is perfectly okay, but in no way does “feeling like a male” mandate that I alter my beautiful body to that of a man’s. I change my own oil and do WORK on the basketball court. I lift weights. I surf. I cook amazing food. I wear the clothes I feel most comfortable in (lol I guess I kind of dress like a teenage surfer) I’m also the single mom of an amazing 3 year old daughter. She has given joy to my life that I cannot even express in words. Every day I realize the gift I was given when I was born a woman, and had I or my parents decided to change that, my life would be completely different. I am certain that it would not be better, but quite empty. Because I am not a boy.

I hope that this blog will be a place for people to discuss their feelings concerning this subject, and for detransitioners to understand the love women all around feel for them, regardless of their past decisions. It is not a place for hate or judgement, so angry posts will be ignored. If you do not have something constructive to add, ask, or discuss, keep trolling. I would like to avoid a lot of the common terms ( cis, TERF, etc), because this blog is about reality, not society’s conservative constructions about what women should be, or what we call ourselves. I am sure there are many of you out there that consider yourselves to be liberal and accepting of others and their decision-making, this is great, but when it facilitates self-hatred, I think it’s time to take a step back and listen to each other. And love each other. For who and what we are.