4thWaveNow

fire-lord-frowny:

I know it sounds fucking ridiculous and might not make any sense, whether you’re cis or trans or neither, but my reasoning was like this:
Women are vapid, shallow, frivolous, and intellectually slow
Men are complex, deep, important, and intellectually gifted
I am not vapid or shallow or frivolous or intellectually slow
But I AM complex, deep, important, and intellectually gifted
Therefor I must have been born in the wrong body.
And I hated myself. I didn’t want to see myself naked. I was keenly aware of how the female body was either looked at as something to be repulsed by, or something simply to use and discard of. So I loathed my female parts. And I tried to distance myself from all things associated with femininity - shit, you should have seen me 10th-12th grade. I’d go online and call myself Jonathan. It was the only way I felt like I could “be myself.” I’d wear shirts that squashed my breasts. I’d cry myself to sleep on most nights because I knew I could never ~truly~ occupy the body I felt like I was meant to occupy.
Oh, and let’s not even get started on the internalized racism… basically all my negative feelings toward women were also present in how I felt about black people. And my poor, corrupted little brain rationalized it the same way: “Obviously, I’m supposed to be white.”
And I tried to research ways to bleach my skin, ways to make my hair permanently straight even as it grew out of my head…
This shit fucked me up so bad, and I wanted to die because I could never be a ~real~ man and I could never be white.
It wasn’t until I was nearly 17 that I slowly began to realize,
wait just a fuckin’ minute… women are AMAZING. Black people are AMAZING. BLACK WOMEN ARE FUCKIN’ INCREDIBLE. And so am I.
Because it wasn’t until then that I started being more exposed to positive, realistic portrayals of women/black women/black people. And I know it sounds cheesy as hell, but it started with me watching the Tyra Show.
So like…
yeah.
That’s the condensed version of my story.