I can relate to the first bit on being fixated on unavailable women(or girls). Straight women appealed to me more than queer women because of the value I placed on femininity/conformity at the time. Being lesbian or bi was highly discouraged, but being a “Straight boy” wasn’t. In turn I started to gravitate towards “becoming a boy” for the sake of having these girls like me back. (other reasons as well, but this one was high up there). It’s compulsory hetereosexuality on a whole-nother level. Where otherwise very obviously-queer people go through transition to literally transition into straightness because of homophobia. Obviously sexuality doesn’t work that way…but I was a kid and there’s a lot of misinformation out there that brainwashes people, it sure did for me. This is ironically similar to how many trans-women seek to transition in order to call themselves lesbians or appropriate lesbianism and gain access to those spaces. Something about disregarding/breaking women’s boundaries is made to be so appealing under patriarchy, I am sad to admit it’s something even females subscribe to.