Not transphobic
I have a friend who recently announced that she is transgender. Now in her early 20s, for several years she was out as a lesbian, but set her sights on straight women who were unattainable and eventually broke her heart. (She is a beautiful girl, and even…
This is stunningly transphobic all over, but I’m going to talk about one specific thing that keeps coming up in these discussions.
Over and over I see lesbians and other women who are middle aged or who otherwise did not grow up in an environment where transition was a possibility saying ‘If transitioning was an option when I was a child I would have chosen it and I would have regretted it.’
And I am very, very tired of hearing it.
Because you didn’t grow up in an environment that allowed you to make a decision to transition. You didn’t face the knowledge that people knowing you are trans would greatly increase your health and safety risks. You did grow up facing the knowledge that people knowing you are not heterosexual would greatly increase your health and safety risks.
And I absolutely understand the impulse to apply your own experience of ‘wanting to be a boy’. It would make everything so much easier than being pressured to conform with girly behavior. It would be so much easier to find intimacy. The circumstance you were in was the wrong one, so the only other alternative seemed like the right one.
But this approach grossly misunderstands the issue. Being trans isn’t about day dreaming about ‘if I was born with a penis I would be more comfortable’. It’s about ‘I am not a woman’, or ‘I am a man’, or ‘I am a woman’, or ‘my gender does not conform to the colonially imposed white binary’ or something else entirely.
Using a non-trans experience of only having friends who were boys and hating dresses and having ‘masculine’ hobbies and liking girls who liked boys is not a valid access point to the experience of real trans people. Lots of trans men aren’t attracted to women. Lots of trans men are not gender conforming. Lots of trans men like dresses and want to have children and share interests with lots of other people, regardless of gender identity.
It is wonderful that the OP has come to accept her body and be grateful for the things it does. I am very happy for her. But I am deeply disturbed by the idea that if everyone else just tried hard enough they too would discover they were women, because it’s not true and it does very real harm.
“Over and over I see lesbians and other women who are middle aged or who otherwise did not grow up in an environment where transition was a possibility saying ‘If transitioning was an option when I was a child I would have chosen it and I would have regretted it.’
And I am very, very tired of hearing it.”Now imagine how tired they must be of saying it.
That doesn’t negate the fact that they meant it, or that the societal conservativism and hatred of lesbians wouldn’t have pushed them into it.
Since most people with gender dysphoria just end up being GNC gays and lesbians, I’d say they have every right to speak on it.
And after all, you’re saying they don’t understand the trans experience—but that’s awfully presumptuous of you.
How do you know what they’re feeling?
Thanks for your comments. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to address this accusation of transphobia, because it seems like that word appears whenever someone speaks against transition at all. A phobia is a FEAR, and I am absolutely not speaking from a place of fear. In today’s climate, people like to say that if you don’t jump on the transition bandwagon, you’re afraid. How?? If I was suggesting that people not keep Black Widow spiders as cuddly pets, because it could be dangerous and destructive, would that make me arachnophobic? Would I therefore fear all spiders?? Obviously not. Not even close.
I’m simply saying that I understand and acknowledge body dysphoria from a firsthand perspective, and choose to keep my body as it is. I mean, I could transition tomorrow if I wanted to. WHAT’S STOPPING ME?? Certainly not fear…..
Maybe it’s…..(call me crazy) uh…..wisdom and life experience??
My blog is not about criticism, it’s about CONTEMPLATION. I think I’ve written things in a way that makes that perfectly clear. I want to give others like me something to think about, because I absolutely relate to this experience. Ultimately, decisions about our bodies are ours to make, and when so many voices encourage rapid decision-making, I think there should be many voices like mine offering other perspectives. Not from a place of fear, but from a place of unconditional love.
