Hello, again.
I first discovered Tumblr as my transition was coming to a close. I was starting to question to what end was I stabbing myself with testosterone every week - what was I trying to achieve? I was looking for affirmation, for confirmation that these questions were a normal part of the transition process.
Of course, in some ways, I knew what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to be treated “as a man,” to be able to move freely throughout society without being seen as different, to escape being seen as a lesbian. I wanted my muscles to fill out and my voice to rumble deep within my chest when I spoke. I wanted to be a raucous young hipster like my peers, and to let my body hair grow and to feel free to go as many days as I pleased without washing the daily grime from my body. I wanted to finally be able to experience my genitals in a way that felt natural and didn’t turn my stomach at the thought.
I didn’t know how to reconcile these desires within my female body, but my growing discomfort with male-defined society and living as an unquestioned man within it was starting to make me question my transition enough to start poking around for new answers.At some point I realized that I didn’t know what being “treated as a man” was without defaulting to sexism. The same goes for “feeling like a man.” I broke these thoughts and feelings down into their composite parts, and couldn’t find anything within them that I thought couldn’t be female. For example, I thought that being “treated as a man” would mean that I would be automatically seen as competent and capable from the get - and in general that’s exactly what I experienced while transitioning. I asked people on Tumblr what being “treated like a man” meant to them, what “feeling like a man” meant to them… and I was met with the same sexist notions I had in my head. I tried to break free, talking about any one piece of the puzzle and how it could and should apply to females as well, and was met with some agreement but mostly insistence that the amalgamation of feels regarding “feeling like a man” couldn’t possibly be found within a standard, garden-variety female. Oh no. If you had these “feeling like a man” feelings or wanting to be “treated like a man” feelings, that meant that you were a man - because no female would ever feel those things.
This really didn’t sit right with me.
I couldn’t see any clear dividing lines, couldn’t see where the cut off of what would be acceptable for a female to feel ended and where feeling like a man began. If we could define a list of traits that add up to “feeling like a man,” how many traits on that list would have to be experienced by a female before it stopped being female feelings and crossed over into the territory of “really being a man on the inside”? What about the females who came far before me and felt the same things as I did, without the framework of medical transition - where did their feelings fall?There were no clear answers. I searched, and I searched. I asked a lot of questions. I was met with the same rhetoric with little original critical thought.
My doubts grew and my testosterone use stopped. I found myself forgetting to take shots, putting them off, and eventually decided that when my vial ran out that I was done. From there I put my time and effort and energy into figuring out who I wanted to be, rather than focusing on what I wanted to be.
I learned a lot about myself in that first year off of testosterone. I started tentatively talking to the handful of other detransitioned people I met on the internet, and was met by really critically-thinking, tough-minded individuals. I found strength in their stories and writing. I finally felt like I had found people that maybe had some of the answers. They led me gently to radical feminism and lesbian feminism and I felt a ringing of clarity that I had never felt in queer or post-modern circles.However, the environment on Tumblr got the best of me. I found myself putting more effort into arguing my existence than actually living and existing for myself, as I had promised myself I would do. I deleted my blog and someone else snatched up my URL to post hateful things, so I never looked back until now.
Now, I think I’m ready to share again. I am bolstered by the strength of my sisters. I want to be a part of the conversation again.I’m so glad I found stories like this before I got up the courage to ask to be referred to a GID specialist. I feel exactly the same way.
